Who hasn't? Very few people of "loving age," I'd suppose. I have had my heart truly broken 3 times in my life. The first was the worst for me, due to the fact that it was my first true love. It hurt so bad (duh). I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to eat, just wanted to lay in the bed, cried for like a week. Felt like someone had drop kicked me in my chest and stomach. I had never experienced that kind of hurt before, and never to that depth. I think I would have honestly preferred to have had a broken leg, arm, etc. Those wounds are guaranteed to heal in approximately 8 weeks. It took me about 2 years to truly get over that situation. Why? After all of the hurtful things he'd done, my father still encouraged and allowed him to come over our house with me there, on a regular basis. I could not get away to grieve. "Out of sight out of mind/heart" was not happening in that situation. This was an emotional double whammy. I could not fathom why my father would still befriend or even care to associate with someone that had hurt me so badly. Aren't fathers supposed to be protective of their daughters? He said he still allowed him over because he was the only father figure the guy had known. I remembered thinking, but what about me? I'm your actual child! That's another story within itself.
Keep in mind I was pretty young when this all transpired. In a nutshell, he broke my heart and begin selling drugs all at the same time. We had been together 3 and 1/2 years. I was devastated, but I vowed to NEVER let someone get me to that point of devastation ever again. Notice I didn't say, that I would never care for someone that deeply again. I know not to lose myself in someone like that ever again. I know God now. I had a lot of growing to do since then. I'm glad to report it hasn't happened since. Don't get me wrong, I've been deeply disappointed, but never devastated since then.
Have I broken a heart? Yes. I have. Only once. However, I did it in the most humane way possible. We had been together for almost 2 years when some issues arose. I asked him to address some very fixable issues, and he never did. So, I couldn't take it anymore. I ended the relationship. The problem was, he then wanted to fix everything after I had reached my breaking point. It was too late then. My feelings had died trying to cope with the issues that I had been pleading with him to address for months. We remained friends for 10 years, until he started dating someone that had an issue with us being friends...Which I understood. I actually ended the friendship, he did not want to. I felt it was for the best. I do miss him, especially when I am going through something. He was truly one of my best friends. It broke my heart to end our friendship---guess that's karma. I hope and pray he is doing well and is happy.
So, am I a bitter, enbaggaged (yes, I just made that word up, but it fits!), angry black woman? Not exactly- 1. We ALL have baggage. Believe that. Even if its wallet sized...it's baggage. It's the size of the baggage that counts, and how long you've been toting it around. You gotta learn to let stuff go. I think most people can sense it when you are still dragging hurt around with you--that's not attractive (to an emotionally healthy mate) 2. EVERYONE gets angry sometime.--it's how you deal with the anger, that counts 3. Yes, I happen to be a black woman. So, sure, I do get frustrated with the dating game from time to time, I will not lie. Moreso with "the game" than with the dating, although they are unfortunately sometimes intimately intertwined ;) I would say that I am more of a hopeful romantic. However there are a few things these situations have taught me:
1. I now suffer from an incurable and intolerable BS allergy. This applies to both my romantic and platonic relationships. I begin to break out in hives when I am in the mere presence of individuals from which my allergen spews. In other words...when I see red flags I RUN (and so should you!)
2. I have learned to believe people when they SHOW you who they are.
3. Don't wait around hoping people will change, when they have repetitively engaged in disrespectful, hurtful, and or dishonest behavior. Living by what a friend and I call "the hope factor," in these type of situations is simply delusional, and actively engaging in emotional insanity which is "doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different outcome."
4. When someone genuinely cares for you they will always strive to think, speak, and act with your best interest in mind. NO EXCEPTIONS.
5. Love is an action word.
And finally, another quote taken from my book....
6. "My love is too great a gift for God to let go ungiven." This is the hopeful romanticism of which I spoke earlier.
Goodnight my lovelies, and Remember!
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