What Do I Like Most About Myself?

My courage to be myself no matter what. This was not something that happened overnight. It's not cool to be different in grade school. I will not say that I don't care what others think. I do care what people close to me think. I am saying that I still have the courage to be who I am, even when others dislike it, or talk about me. They can kick rocks :) That's my favorite saying this week.

I have the rarest personality type in the world. It's been documented at least 3 times. Every time I take the Meyers Briggs personality test, I always score as an INFJ. Introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging. Less than 2% of people in the world have that personality type. It took me a while to come across an accurate description of that personality. I finally found one and it was scarily accurate.

My friends would likely disagree and say that I am indeed an extrovert. I disagree. Being around people recharges extroverts. Being around people drains introverts. It's not that they don't enjoy it, its just that they usually need to be alone to recharge or feel refreshed. I am borderline extrovert, but still definitely an introvert overall.


If you are interested in knowing your own Meyers Briggs Personality type, there is a link with a free online test below.

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Day 8: Have I Ever Had My Heart Broken? Have I Ever Broken A Heart?

Who hasn't? Very few people of "loving age," I'd suppose. I have had my heart truly broken 3 times in my life. The first was the worst for me, due to the fact that it was my first true love. It hurt so bad (duh). I felt like I was dying. I didn't want to eat, just wanted to lay in the bed, cried for like a week. Felt like someone had drop kicked me in my chest and stomach. I had never experienced that kind of hurt before, and never to that depth. I think I would have honestly preferred to have had a broken leg, arm, etc. Those wounds are guaranteed to heal in approximately 8 weeks. It took me about 2 years to truly get over that situation. Why? After all of the hurtful things he'd done, my father still encouraged and allowed him to come over our house with me there,  on a regular basis. I could not get away to grieve.  "Out of sight out of mind/heart" was not happening in that situation. This was an emotional double whammy. I could not fathom why my father would still befriend or even care to associate with someone that had hurt me so badly. Aren't fathers supposed to be protective of their daughters? He said he still allowed him over because he was the only father figure the guy had known. I remembered thinking, but what about me? I'm your actual child! That's another story within itself.

Keep in mind I was pretty young when this all transpired. In a nutshell, he broke my heart and begin selling drugs all at the same time. We had been together 3 and 1/2 years.  I was devastated, but I vowed to NEVER let someone get me to that point of devastation ever again. Notice I didn't say, that I would never care for someone that deeply again. I know not to lose myself in someone like that ever again. I know God now. I had a lot of growing to do since then. I'm glad to report it hasn't happened since.  Don't get me wrong, I've been deeply disappointed, but never devastated since then.

Have I broken a heart? Yes. I have. Only once. However, I did it in the most humane way possible.  We had been together for almost 2 years when some issues arose. I asked him to address some very fixable issues, and he never did. So, I couldn't take it anymore. I ended the relationship. The problem was, he then wanted to fix everything after I had reached my breaking point. It was too late then. My feelings had died trying to cope with the issues that I had been pleading with him to address for months.  We remained friends for 10 years, until he started dating someone that had an issue with us being friends...Which I understood. I actually ended the friendship, he did not want to. I felt it was for the best. I do miss him, especially when I am going through something. He was truly one of my best friends. It broke my heart to end our friendship---guess that's karma. I hope and pray he is doing well and is happy.

So, am I a bitter, enbaggaged (yes, I just made that word up, but it fits!), angry black woman? Not exactly-   1. We ALL have baggage. Believe that. Even if its wallet sized...it's baggage.  It's the size of the baggage that counts, and how long you've been toting it around. You gotta learn to let stuff go. I think most people can sense it when you are still dragging hurt around with you--that's not attractive (to an emotionally healthy mate)  2. EVERYONE gets angry sometime.--it's how you deal with the anger, that counts 3. Yes, I happen to be a black woman. So, sure, I do get frustrated with the dating game from time to time, I will not lie. Moreso with "the game" than with the dating, although they are unfortunately sometimes intimately intertwined ;)  I would say that I am more of a hopeful romantic. However there are a few things these situations have  taught me:

1. I now suffer from an incurable and intolerable BS allergy.  This applies to both my romantic and platonic relationships. I begin to break out in hives when I am in the mere presence of individuals from which my allergen spews. In other words...when I see red flags I RUN (and so should you!)

2. I have learned to believe people when they SHOW you who they are.

3. Don't wait around hoping people will change, when they have repetitively engaged in disrespectful, hurtful, and or dishonest behavior. Living by what a friend and I call "the hope factor," in these type of situations is simply delusional, and actively engaging in emotional insanity which is "doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different outcome."

4. When someone genuinely cares for you they will always strive to think, speak, and act with your best interest in mind. NO EXCEPTIONS.

5. Love is an action word.

And finally, another quote taken from my book....

6. "My love is too great a gift for God to let go ungiven." This is the hopeful romanticism of which I spoke earlier.

Goodnight my lovelies, and Remember!

Day 7: What Does My Name Mean? Why Was I Named That Name?

My name, Tiffany, is derived from Greek origins, and means "The Appearance of God."  I'm so proud that I already knew that and actually didn't have to google it. :) I was named after one of the largest yellow diamonds ever discovered. I'm sure my parents named me after a diamond because they considered me precious. Thank goodness they didn't actually name me "Diamond," ---no offense to all the "Diamonds" out there, but I wouldn't have been cool with that.

I guess the name is appropriate because my life has many similarities to the life, or formation of a diamond.  Under much pressure, stress, and adversity, a little rough tomboy from the midwest  became the beautiful, gem of a woman I am today.

So far as "The Appearance of God," I hope that God has appeared through me (and continues to do so) in order to be a blessing vs. a burden to others.

Goodnight!

Day 6: What Is My Biggest Phobia/Fear?

Arachnids. Yep. Spiders. I can't stand them. I have almost wrecked my car because there was a spider inside of it. I have no idea why or when I developed the phobia. I am almost as bad about bees.  People tell you to stand still so the bee won't sting you. I'm here to tell you that's a lie! Running saves lives! I've always ran and I have NEVER been stung (knocking on wood).

I don't know why I have an irrational fear of spiders. I actually do attain super human speed and strength when I see one.  I know my fear was definitely reinforced the first time I saw someone after they had survived a brown recluse bite, very similar to the one in the photo below.

After viewing those photos, you can definitely see that my fear is completely justified. The scary part about brown recluse bites is that they usually end up doing the above. It's like a baby shark bite! This spider's venom is actually more toxic than rattlesnake venom, except it excretes it in such small doses, that the only humans to die from its bites are usually children, and even that's rare.

This spider causes such a terrible wound because its venom contains enzymes that essentially kill your tissue and it dies, or becomes "necrotic." Gross! These bites usually need surgical intervention, and can leave you with gaping deformed wounds/scars.

Don't even get me started on this little bad mamma jamma right here!

The black widow!

I did try to conquer my fear once. I tried living with a spider, or rather letting a spider live in my vicinity (meaning the garage). I did it for 2 months. I let the large black spider live quietly undisturbed in the corner of my garage. That is until I saw egg sacs one day---and the bottom of HER stomach which had the red hourglass...So yeah, the one time I tried arachnid amnesty, it was with a friggin' black widow! Needless to say, I had to "terminate" our living arrangement.

The Black Widow's Not so Distant Cousin:

The Brown Widow (a little less known...maybe it's the "ugly cousin")

The above spiders' bite can render such symptoms as: abdominal pain (very similar to appendicitis) dizziness, chest pain (very similar to a heart attack), tremors, vomiting, etc.

Now, with all of the evidence I just provided, I'm pretty sure my fear is justified. I'm just sayin'!  :)

Day 5: Describe the Last Thing That Made Me Seriously Cry

Literally, it would have been "Pain Is Good's Habanero Hot Sauce," due to the fact that I had been eating it with my (Yep, you guessed it...Popeyes chicken) and then proceeded to remove my contact lenses before bed (even after washing my hands multiple times). I felt like Helen Keller in Hell! I was blind and my eyes were on fire!

But seriously. The last thing that made me seriously cry was seeing a puppy the other day that looked exactly like my dog that I had to put to sleep a few years ago. It blindsided me. She looked just like him, right down to the white toes. I started crying publicly, which I NEVER do.  I was embarrassed. 

It was like a torrential wave of emotion had come barreling down on me, and there was no way for me to escape or hide from it. I had no time to even try to regain my composure, as I had to go right to work directly  afterwards. I thought that I had completely processed it. I don't even think about him that often anymore. However, when I saw a little replica of him, the grief struck me anew.  I had raised him from 8 weeks of age. 

He was the first pet I ever had to put to sleep. It was a difficult decision, but I still feel it was the right decision.  

And that, my lovelies, was the last thing that made this lady cry. Seriously. QueBert, I miss you :(

Day 4: What Is True Love?

True love. To me, true love is not the same as unconditional love. Your mother and God are about the only 2 entities that can truly love you unconditionally. Maybe your dog. :) True love to me usually denotes romantic love and is a love that is slowly built over time, and stands the tests of time...but it is indeed TESTED. It doesn't mean that you will stay together NO MATTER WHAT, because there are some "whats" that "matter" enough that someone whom you "truly loved" should no longer have the privilege of being a part of your life.

This leads me to reminisce about my first and only true love. Decades later, I still cannot imagine caring so passionately (even when the butterflies were gone) or so deeply for another human being (barring my children-which I have not had the pleasure of creating just yet). I still remember the moment I fell in love with him. We were riding in his teal blue trans-am, flying down the highway with Moments In Love by The Art of Noise crooning over the noisy wind that was rushing in, enveloping us through the open windows.  I remember looking at him, and him smiling back at me, and my heart leapt with joy. i knew then, he would have my heart, or at least a piece of it...forever.

I still think to myself how he was the first guy to really reciprocate genuine care and concern for me. He would try to fix my car, or lend me his if mine was broken. He'd take care of me when I was sick, and vice versa. We traveled together. He was always showing me new places and things. Constantly broadening my little horizon. He got along great with both of my parents. He taught me what credit was, and helped to build mine, by letting me be on his credit cards (whilst I  totally unemployed).  He trusted me. He had a very loving, genuine, and innocent spirit.

I wish he wouldn't have changed. Alas, that is what we all do. We're human. We can't help it.  It comes with the territory. If we never changed, we'd never grow. Some of us change for the better, some of us for the worse. Without going into gory details, he broke my heart.  Most of use have experienced heartbreak---it's what you do afterwards that is the true test. Will you let the experience embitter you, and render you emotionally imprisoned by the pain? Will you crucify the next man for the last man's sins? Or will you pick up the broken pieces of your heart, dust them off, put them back together and make it just a little bit larger, to experience an even greater love the next time?

 Like many of us in our youth, I didn't know then what I know now. Not a tenth! LOL! I didn't know my worth, and I'd never loved like that before, so losing him felt like I was losing a piece of myself.  Literally. Like having to willingly cut off a piece of my own flesh. That in and of itself was the problem. I had lost myself in him. I  lost myself in a man because I didn't know nor did I truly value who I was, and felt incomplete. I didn't know that then, but that's what had happened. The other thing that was missing at that point in my life was God. I did not include Him in ANY of what I was doing at that time. He was completely absent in my life. He was an afterthought. I had no time for Him.

I was not in an emotional or mature enough state to have even have entertained the idea of engaging in a romantic relationship at that point in my life. I learned a lot from it. It sounds cliche, but I truly feel a lot of my mistakes I've made regarding men and relationships stemmed from the lack of a healthy, loving relationship as a child with my father. We are very close now, and I thank God often,  as I am grateful for the loving relationship we now have. I think a paragraph from my book best conveys my sentiments on this subject:

"In closing, I’d like to say to fathers-love your daughters, with all your heart.  Treat them with respect, dignity and compassion. Listen to them, intently. Protect them and their worth fiercely, as if your life depends on it, as theirs likely will one day. Celebrate and support them always so that they don’t go looking for that love in all the wrong places like I have. A father’s love, encouraging words, touch and guidance are paramount to building his daughter’s self esteem, confidence, and educating and preparing her for healthy relationships with men. Your love is the foundation of her love for all men to come into her life. Make it a sturdy, strong, healthy foundation. Also, even more importantly, it will serve as failsafe blueprint to check herself against during times of confusion, to  help her to recognize EARLY ON when she is not being treated as she should be by men and when someone is not worthy of her and her time, so that she may detach herself completely and quickly from men and relationships that would serve no other purpose than to hurt and demoralize the valuable, beautiful, loving woman that she is.  Your unwaivering love will help her to retain, and even more importantly always remember her worth."

©2012

Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”

Day 3: If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?

This is such a difficult question to answer. I would wish for a super powers. Notice I said power(S) with an S, plural. One has to be very particular with their verbiage when wishing. I would wish for the ability to fly (even in outer space), be able to withstand and regenerate quickly from any sort of physical injury and to be able to heal others in this way with just a touch, and telekinetic powers. Now, I would also have to wish to only be able to use those powers for good, because Lord knows, I'd have it in for these crazy Florida drivers! I would  probably go to jail if I had any of the other super powers (super strength, ability to read people's minds, because people do, say and think some crazy/hurtful things). I also wouldn't wish for telepathy or the ability to foresee the future (Sookie from True  Blood has taught me about the woes of telepathy). 

With these super powers my house would be impeccably clean ALL the time! I could start my own moving company. The overhead would be super low! I'd never have to buy a plane ticket again to go home to visit! I'd love to go to outer space and see the stars, or better yet the places where they are born...the nebulas, up close, or at least as close as I could without being vaporized. I would actually search for the end of the first rainbow I came across. I would go see the Jordan river. I, I , I ....but what could/would I do for others with these powers? Isn't that a more important question?

I would actually donate my blood as often as I could to help people with leukemia, or other illnesses from which they could not heal on their own. I would also donate organs, if it was possible, because they would just regenerate. I would try to heal as many sick children as possible. I say children because I am sure there would be a loooooong list of people who want to be healed...kids never deserve to die...especially from crippling, debilitating diseases that kill them slowly, so I would always give them priority. Plus, most of them still have innocence and promise abiding within them :) 

I would personally help churches/schools/ non-profits build their buildings and move things in for them for free.

I would try to decrease the severity/impact damage during car accidents. I couldn't likely prevent them, as I would not be able to predict them, but I could slow down the impact, which could save lives. 

I wonder what other great things could be done with these powers. What would you do with them?